My daughter just…

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    My daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

    Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

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    Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me, and throw me out of the house.

    Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”

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    Well, she didn’t put it quite like that… she said…

    “Dad, this is my new boyfriend,

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    John came back from a safari in Africa.

    Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures:

    “I was out in the jungle.” He said.

    “When all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me.

    Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me.

    When the lion began to approach me, I took off running and the lion followed closely behind. The lion abruptly slipped as he was about to bite my neck, allowing me to move slightly ahead. The lion began closing in on me, and as he approached, he slid once more. I chance to spot a nearby residence and headed in that direction. The lion slipped for the third time as I approached the home, almost falling on top of me. I hurried into the home and shut the door in the lion’s face with my last remaining power.

    “That’s some story there, John, I would have shat my pants.”

    “Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON?”

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